My life, trials and tribulations

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Pregnant again… Hopefully this time the sticky juices are sticky.

Crossing fingers, toes and anything else that can be crossed.

TW: Miscarriage

I wrote this for a website that asked me to blog about trying to conceive. My last blog that I sent in I finished on a note of we were taking a test at the end of the week - this entails all since then.

There comes a time in life when you need to step back, take stock and evaluate what is important in life. It’s not a choice, or a decision that you will make consciously. It is just something that happens when a situation in life throws you to the wolves. You don’t always appreciate this time, actually, more often than not, the situation causing you to step back a re-evaluate is a broken heart or a hitting of rock bottom – something that has shaken you to your core.

Now don’t get me wrong, I never expected married life to be a box of daisies or a walk in the park. Relationships are inevitably filled with ups and downs, break-ups and make-ups – but never did I imagine that married life would take such a turn so soon.

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Dear Baby,

As I sit here to write this, I’m not sure what to say or where to start. All I know is that most of all, I want you to know that Mummy and Daddy loved you so, so, SO very much in the very short time you were with us.

I was so nervous taking the pregnancy test. Scared that it would come back negative, and that it was too good to be true that I’d fallen pregnant so soon. You were made with so much love. We had planned for you; it was a bonus to find out you’d been conceived either the night of the wedding or the early nights of our honeymoon.

A true love baby, who could ask for a better time- the happiest of our lives.

I know we both had hopes and dreams for you, high expectations of a wee growing baby, I know. We couldn’t wait to meet you. We’d called you peanut, you were our little peanut and we couldn’t wait for your arrival next year. The scan was something we were hanging out for. To hear your heartbeat and to see your tiny growing body. We were excited to tell family and friends also, we have since found out they’d already worked it out.

I know that wherever you are baby, that both of your great-nana’s and great uncle’s will be taking the best care of you. But it doesn’t make knowing you’re gone any easier. I still wish you weren’t gone. I still keep hoping that this is all a bad dream and that I’ll wake up and be hearing your heartbeat at the scan.

We’re both so heart-broken that you’re gone peanut. I really wish it could’ve been different but I know it can’t. I know that in my head, but in my heart, it’s harder to accept.

I know we will get through this and there must be a reason you have left us – it’s not an easy thing to know though. And when we’re ready, your brother or sister will be born and we’ll be able to show them your flower that we will plant for you . And they will know it’s not just those around us that are important but those who live with us in our hearts and minds.

I love you baby Peanut.

I miss you

Love Mummy xoxoxo

You will forever be in my heart.

I went for a twelve week scan today, I was going to hear my baby’s heart beat. I was going to see my wee peanut for the first time…

My baby had no heartbeat, my baby had stopped growing 4 weeks ago.

This fucking sucks.

Ask any bride to be what it’s like to plan a wedding and they’ll tell you it was fantastic, part of the best time of their life. What they won’t tell you, is that it is stressful, over-whelming, incredible and always providing a worry.  Planning a wedding is an amazing experience, don’t get me wrong. I am thoroughly enjoying the thrill that it provides but sometimes, I just want a night where I can sit down, have a glass of wine and not wonder what I have or haven’t remembered to tick off my list.

It’s very easy, and I say this with all seriousness, for your wedding to take over your life. And I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but sometimes, you just have to take a step back and take a break. That is something I am doing right now. Taking a break; a well deserved one at that. This week I was made redundant and it has been a hard knock, financially and mentally. And I know that we will get through this tough patch, we will make it. I say this with confidence because we have made it through everything else that life has thrown at us in the 19 months that we’ve spent with each other. And life has already thrown us plenty of curveballs. This is just another to add to the growing list.

As I’m sitting here typing this, I’m reflecting over my average, less than exciting day. I did washing, dishes, made the bed, dinner is in the oven and I think I just heard hubby to be’s car in the driveway. He’s been at the gym – a luxury I can no longer afford when eeking out my redundancy payout to last as long as possible. And I don’t mind doing those things; the washing, the dishes etc, but it’s so hard to fill the day when you have no car to go anywhere, everyone else is at work, and facebook is your only friend (and let’s be honest, facebook doesn’t always remain entertaining for long;  there’s only so much web surfing one can do.)

I find myself going around in circles, how can we afford the rest of the wedding, how can we make the money last, how will we have spending money on our honeymoon. I’m thinking about the amount of people who have sent their apologies for the wedding, (20! And; all my side of the family as well. Ugh.) and the friends who we have only JUST invited in their place. Only 5 weeks out. What a mess. Also, the payments coming in for the wedding have just been a pain in the neck; people just don’t seem to understand that when they RSVP, they need to pay $40.00 towardAARs their meal. Simple? No, apparently not.

So when I say to hubby to be that I’ve been bored and lets be honest, a little bit lonely, he asks what I’ll be like when I’m a stay at home mum? And to this, I can’t help myself; I roll my eyes saying it’s a completely different kettle of fish. I’d have a baby to look after – to feed, to change, to bath, to dress, to put to sleep (and be taking a nap myself at the same time), as well as all the washing, the dishes and whatever else needed to be done that day.  And he just shakes his head at me, I’m sure he’s thinking I’ll be the same. I’d have a wee person to talk to, I know they wont answer back but when people have babies, visitors come in swarms. I’ve seen it, so I know I’ll be fine.

What drives me crazy, is being stuck at home, by myself, nothing but facebook or a book I’ve read countless times to entertain me, the only thing worth watching on daytime TV is Jeremy Kyle, and to be honest, I’ve missed it every day I’ve been home because I generally have music going rather than flicking through the hundreds of channels that Sky offers and being disappointed that because I’m no longer 11 there’s nothing worth watching.

So please, let me find a job fast. I don’t care if it’s only part time. As long as it gets me out of the house for a few hours every day; even if it’s only a few hours every week. Something is better than nothing. I shouldn’t complain, I will have the car tomorrow (which does mean getting up at 5:40 to drop hubby to be at work so I can have said car for the day), so I shall be able to run a few errands, get out and about for a little while, and pop in to see a friend and her wee 5 week old little boy and get wonderful snuggles with his cute little self. Tomorrow will be good.

So today I went to the doctors and had my one year after having CIN2 cells removed pap smear. Oh and chatted about the fact I’m quitting my pill and going to start trying for a baby after the wedding. WOOOHOOO!

So anyway, my doctor, who is hot and has an accent (btw) says my cervix has healed super duper well, he can’t even tell where the LEETZ was done and where the cells were removed from. And he said everything looked hunky dory! WOOOHOOOOO!!!

It’s BABY MAKING TIME!! Oh and 2 week til my hens night and 6 weeks until the wedding!

(Source: r1v)

Kekekeke

Gary’s sister came and stayed the other night (she’s meant to be house sitting but doesn’t like being on her own… I think it was more she doesn’t know how to cook and wanted a free meal but anyway) all night I felt out of sorts because our routine had to change. I mean, she watched Geordie shore ffs! So anyway, as soon as we got to bed, I started teasing Gary until he couldn’t take it any longer hehehehe.

I love the thrill of knowing that she could’ve heard us or walked out of the room she was staying in and known what we were doing since our door wasn’t even closed. One time we had sex on my old flatmates couch when they were in the next room. And the first time we went away, Gary’s brother was in the same motel room as us - We came back drunk one night and got started (drunk sex is always fantastic) but kept giggling because his brother was in the bed less than a meter away from us. We snuck out of the room, found a room that had it’s door wide open and demolished that bed. Bahaha afterwards we had to try and straighten the bed covers and put the nicely folded towel back in place… I hope no one was staying in that room the next night LMAO.

I love my man. <3 

communismkillsitonthedancefloor:

Diet ideas: Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.